Mamaison Residence Sulekova Bratislava

There's something about this hotel that gives me the creeps. I'm not sure what exactly, just a strange vibe like maybe it used to be an asylum for the criminally insane way back in the Soviet era or something. For all appearances the Mamaison Residence is an extremely clean, modern, friendly, spacious, accommodation. I might even go so far as to call it "elegant". The front desk staff are very helpful--calling taxis whenever I need them, offering advice and maps. The girl working behind the desk when I first checked in was so beautiful I was rendered nearly speechless. But something doesn't sit right with me here...
In my room, I pick up what I believe to be a menu, only to find out that it's a massive list of hundreds of medical and surgical procedures offered at the hotel. I read from the page, "Prostate exam? EEG? Skull X-ray? Just what sort of crazy place is this anyway?!" Smoking isn't allowed in my room, to do that I have to go downstairs and outside to the terrace, but a colon cleanse can be easily accommodated?
TripAdvisor rates this hotel extremely high--#3 out of 79! (One of the best in the city.) I was really looking forward to it too because many of the reviewers commented it was a "short 10-minute walk to the city centre," and I like that when travelling--to just duck out the door and be close to the action. Turns out this is a massive lie of untold proportions and the hotel is actually in a residential neighbourhood. It took me half an hour to walk from Bratislava's Main Square to Mamaison and it was all uphill. ...A steep, winding, uphill! By the time I arrived at what I thought would be a "short" distance, I was soaked through by both sweat and rain. Had I known the truth about its distance, I easily would have paid cab fare.
There isn't a dining room here either but continental breakfast was included in my room rate and delivered promptly to my door in the morning. (I had to complete a card indicating what I wanted and drop it off to the front desk the evening before.) Personally, I like hotel dining rooms--you get to look at folks and imagine what everyone had been up to the night before and what they have planned for the day to come. Because we're in a residential neighbourhood, there aren't even any restaurants or cafes on the surrounding blocks for a hot breakfast. I can't complain too much though, the breakfast is cold but it's decent enough--a few pastries, some bread, an apple, yogurt, orange juice, coffee, and some sort of weird protein drink.
I'm actually more comfortable hanging out in the lobby of Mamaison than I am in my room; I feel less trapped down here. They have free Internet, free coffee machines, I can people watch and go out for a cigarette whenever I want. Honestly, this hotel has some nice amenities but between the lack of dining room, distance from the centre, and the weird medical procedures offered, I can't figure out why it's rated so highly by so many people. Again, this reaffirms my longstanding belief that I must be from outer space.