Radisson Resort Orlando-Celebration Kissimmee

Worst. Wedding. Ever.

So my March 5th wedding has passed. And oh my God, was it one SNAFU after another.

Under normal circumstances, I'd give a narrative account of my experience there. But the Radisson was so inept at simple directions and agreements, I'm going to have to make a numbered list.

1. Three hours before our ceremony, our florist's driver delivered flowers and was told to leave them in the lobby. There must have been a breakdown of communication, because the Radisson was told (or should have known) to keep the flowers refrigerated. But that didn't happen until long after the driver had left. The result: WILTED, DROOPY BOUQUETS and boutineers in our ceremony (and of course, the pictures, which will last forever).

2. Lack of signs directing the guests to where the wedding ceremony was. My wedding coordinator had to show people from the parking lot to the gazebo for the ceremony. All the while, my guests are complaining to her (because they think she's part of the hotel staff) that the PARKING WAS WAY OUT IN THE BOONIES and there should be signs for which direction to walk towards.

3. I'm allergic to nuts. The Banquet Event Order (basically a contract of scheduled events) stated that I’M ALLERGIC TO NUTS. And what's in the first thing that I'm served from the Executive chef? Some pastry with nuts in it that my wife discovered. Fortunately one of my friends is a nurse, so she watched over me. Our astoundingly great wedding coordinator (who is not affiliated with the Radisson) rushed to the bridal changing room to get an Epipen from my wife's purse. I never envision that my wedding day would involve a hasty trip to the men's room to SHOOT MYSELF IN THE THIGH WITH EPINEPHRINE. But the Radisson made it possible.

4. One of my friends is deathly ALLERGIC TO ONIONS. No surprises here; he's served onions. Once again, my wedding coordinator springs into action. She personally switches out his salad and entrée for food that won't cause his untimely death. Allegedly, the kitchen staff was RESISTANT TO AID in a quick and timely manner.

5. We agreed to have 3 ballrooms for our 100+ guests, but when my decorates etc. came by that early afternoon, the Radisson had only set up chairs for 2 ballrooms. It was supposedly too late to rearrange everything. As a result, our reception was HOT, SWEATY, and CROWDED. Does this sound like your ideal wedding yet? We also suspect that they didn't give us a large enough dance floor for 105 guests, but I don't know for certain.

6. ONLY FIVE SERVERS. The next time you eat out, think about the ratio of servers to table guests. Now think about if that ratio was 21:1. And you can’t give them a lower tip, because you’ve already agreed to give everybody a 22% tip before you want through the door.

7. Dinner was 30 minutes late coming out. This may be something forgivable at your average casual dining restaurant. But this wedding was booked 10 months in advance. The DJ, Photographers, and other vendors are on a cue sheet. So 30 minutes of dead time is a HUGE waste of time and money that would otherwise be spent on DJing activities. Originally, we were supposed to do some cool just newlywed games and the honeymoon dance. But most of that was cut.

On the resorts property, the Radisson was having another event with a group that has a five-year contract. I've heard that while the kitchen was supposed to be keeping my guests happy and fed on time, they were tending to the other group instead. I guess my family doesn't make enough money to earn equal service.

8. Our room had a MUSTY odor.

9. We booked the "ROMANCE PACKAGE" that included strawberries and champagne for our first night as newlyweds. THE RADISSON FORGOT IT My wife called the front desk where a "old man in flannel" (as my wife describes him) showed up with the most disappointing strawberries and champagne, delivered in the least romantic way possible.

10. A few days after our honeymoon, my wife called the Radisson to address the issue. Their defense was that I probably didn't have an allergic reaction to the almond pastry they served me, but from the raspberry-walnut dressing that we supposedly agreed to on the BEO. Being a literate man, I re-read the BEO. It said plain as day "Raspberry Dressing". So just to make it clear: they defended serving me food that I was allergic to by falsely stating that I somehow consented to it. Would you give your business to an incompetent liar?

The moral of the story:

Just because a location is old doesn’t mean that the staff is experienced. Just because someone had a job title, it doesn’t make her or she a professional.

A few days ago, I was having a conversation with one of our vendors who has been in the business for over 20 years. I asked, “I know that no wedding is perfect, but have you ever seen on with this many mistakes?”

“Never.”