Things to Do in Amsterdam When You're Dead...
Things to Do in Amsterdam When You're (playing) Dead...
1) Show your arse to a boatload of OAP's, thus encouraging a couple of locals to identify you as "f**king English" and start your weekend off with some pride in your heart
2) Liven up your weekend with a few well chosen forfeits (for no apparent reason) - the finest of these being the 'play dead' routine, which if executed efficiently, should produce a reaction from all walks of life, from ugly German tourists to Amsterdam's boys in blue! Special note should be paid to those who 'dance the waltz of the dead' in a Burger King restaurant
3) Try to avoid all Scousers of the female variety. They will undoubtedly change the entire course of your weekend by enticing you down a back alley (which smells of p**s) and forcing you to digest magic mushrooms with a swig of Diet Coke. This is all washed down with a hash-cake, Corona and some Red Bull, just to make sure that your head will be deposited somewhere on Jupiter! Mind you, if you do end up in this state, look out for the midget on the custom-built BMX - he's a winner!
4) Whores are not called whores for no reason. They will rob you blind and toss you out like a dirty cabbage! On the other side of this, they are gorgeous and well worth spending at least half a day ogling at (especially after 10 Corona's and 5 Sambucca's!)
5) Columbian's should be avoided at all costs. They are insane, and will try to explain the facts of life to you whilst simultaneously staring at you as though they were about to gut you like a fish....
One last point - we don't make the rules....we just enforce them
8 more things to do in Amsterdam when you're dead
1. kelly's bar - where she waggles her arse as she serves you, as you drool.
2. The only columbian who here for a Holiday and detests drugs, even though he's brough us 4 sambuca shots each and carries more ££££'s then a lottery winner.
3. Never give your room key to 2 scouse birds who are tripping !!!
4. Dancing - see if you can get ejected at 5am for sleeping on the dance floor.
5. spend 20 quality minutes with a whore only to come out with the line "I was getting my belt back".
6. catcall all those queing to see a sex show - we couldn't afford it..
7. some whores look like models, others look like a bad dream...
8) Avoid giving your Burger King drinks to a space cadet as the chances are high you'll see him later in the RLD where he acts as your new best friend.
9. The sum of Corona + Heineken + Sambuca = very pissed... = sin and Dabauchery which = quality weekend.Related to:
....... isn't a big deal here :(
I saw this discarded rose in the bin at a tram stop at about midnight on Valentine's Day... it just seemed a little sad.
Construction in progress
Amsterdam is under construction ... literally !! So, do be careful of the traffic on the roads and scaffolding ..etc.
Most of the public phones need a pre-purchased phone card and wont except coins.
Phone cards are available at post offices and most tobacco shops.Related to:
Make sure not to have too many lighters in one luggage or bag, if you are a collector like myself, they can be confiscated as a fire hazard.
Do not expect too much courtesy
Amsterdam people are known by the rest of the Dutch as extremely frank and also rude. Do not expect them to behave to you any different!
If you were a shirt saying...
If you were a shirt saying Amsterdam on your flight home you will get your bags inspected extra-extra closely for drugs.
Too much time in the...
Too much time in the hospitality room at the Heineken Brewery after the tour, and its nap time in Vondel Park!
Be on the lookout for iguanas....
Be on the lookout for iguanas. For some unknown reason, there's a little park dedicated to the iguana. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Some souvenir shops are quiet small and narrow and they display a lot of souvenirs esp. breakable ones.So you really have to be careful to avoid paying for nothing.Related to:
- Budget Travel
Small dragons, Pieter calls them iguanas, are sometimes underfoot. I expect that when I return they will be full grown. I hope that they will know to not walk in the bike lanes.
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