Studio 54, Las Vegas

Watch out for the "1 free admittance" tickets. Bouncer told us it was an advertising flyer and so was effectively useless. (We got the last laugh as our names were down on the guestlist anyway). Came here on a Thursday night called Doll House, and although it was obviously of no interest to me, the gimmick is to employ attractive models to wander round the club and, by request, dress up in different skimpy outfits. Some are also painted as they podium dance by a body artist with possibly the greatest job on the planet. However I was here only as Studio54 is home to one of the few resident house DJ's in this hip hop / rock obsessed part of the world. The club itself is meant to be replica of the original New York Studio 54, although as I'm unfortunately not a 1970's rock star, it would be a little hard to comment on its authenticity. They did have the mechanical moon and some acrobatic dancers on elastic ropes, but unfortunately the debauchery was limited to a bottle of Becks on the balcony. Music was wishy-washy underground house (I couldn't name a single track for an hour), and although the mixing from the main (female) DJ wasn't too bad, the second girl that came on couldn't mix a cake. In fact she successfully managed to do the impossible and "warm the crowd DOWN". 'Highlight' of the night was the very tired sounding Armand Van Helden mix of Tori Amos "Professional Widow"... oh dear, no more to be said. Crowd was in dire need of some stimulus, and one or two would have lost a 'dance off' with my grandma. In the late 1970's Studio54 was probably the most unique space on the planet, but by the late 80's and early 90's, every tacky nightclub in the UK had unashamedly plagiarised their design and lighting. So, in the hands of the right DJ, this place could possibly be electric, but instead it reminded me of Manchester's Piccadilly 21 on a Wednesday night. Disappointing.

Found this on the Guardian Travel pages. Feel free to replace 'Miami' with 'Vegas' or 'LA', as it sums up beautifully most nightclubs across America. But the oddest aspect of Miami's cool clubs is how naff they are. The music is rubbish, ranging all the way from 50 Cent to Usher, and the clientele are dressed like they're going to the golf club (men) or to a mini skirt convention (women). Everyone is very beautiful, I suppose; flat-stomached and shiny-haired, with their tops tucked into their trousers - but they're not lively enough to work up a club atmosphere hotter than a menopausal flush. Oh well. After a few drinks, you stop caring, because Miami clubs are fantastic, enchanting environments, for all their strangeness. All they need are brilliant DJs: which they get during the Miami Music Convention, in March. Miranda Sawyer Saturday February 5, 2005

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